May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!