All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.