I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.