It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.