Men are as faithful as their options.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.