Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I'm single because I was born that way.