Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.