When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.