It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.