If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.