My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.