I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.