The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.