No good deed goes unpunished.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.