You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!