Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments