I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Men are as faithful as their options.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.