I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.