It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.