A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.