If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.