If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.