I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.