I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…