Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.