Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?