I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.