If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.