I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.