I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.