The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.