There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.