I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion