The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.