What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.