Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.