Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.