Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.