I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.