I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!