A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.