I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.