At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.