I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.