The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.