We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.