I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.