The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?