When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.