Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.