The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.