If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.