To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.