I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.