The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.