I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!