When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.