I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.