But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.