Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.