A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.