It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.