There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.