I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.