I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.