I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.