I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Men are as faithful as their options.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.