There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.