Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.