Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.