I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.