Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.