To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.