[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.