You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.