I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.