When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.