A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.