You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.