The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.