Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.