I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.