I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.