I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.