Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

No good deed goes unpunished.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.