I'm single because I was born that way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.