I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.