I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.