It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.