When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.