I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.