I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

It is better to be alone than in bad company.