I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.