Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.