If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.