Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.