Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.