I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.