If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.