Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.