If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Men are as faithful as their options.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!