In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.