One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.