Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.