[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.