There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.