I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.