There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Men are as faithful as their options.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Cynicism is humour in ill health.