If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.