Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.