The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.