I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!