What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.