Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.