I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.