It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.