I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?