I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.