Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.