I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Men are as faithful as their options.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.