Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.