I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.