The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.