When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?