Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Men are as faithful as their options.