I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Women are made to be loved not understood.