When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.