Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

No good deed goes unpunished.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.