Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.