Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.