Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.