If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.