Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.