You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.