My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.