I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.