I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.