I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.