He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.