Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?