I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.