I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.