I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.