Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.