I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.