You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.