I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.