Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.