If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.