I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.