You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.