There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Men are as faithful as their options.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.