If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Men are as faithful as their options.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.