I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.