I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.