My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!