Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.