I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.