My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.