Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.