Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.