You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!