If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?