What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.