I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.