Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!