The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.