If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.