A day without laughter is a day wasted.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.