It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.