Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.