There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.