As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.