Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

No good deed goes unpunished.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.