If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.