When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.