He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.