I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'