Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.