Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.