I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.