My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.