I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.