The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.