I'm single because I was born that way.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.