The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.