Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.