Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.