No good deed goes unpunished.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.