Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.