I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.