The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.