If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.