Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
No good deed goes unpunished.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.