I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'