When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.