Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.