I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.