Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.