Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.