Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.