Women are made to be loved not understood.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.