What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.