Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.