The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
