God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
No good deed goes unpunished.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?