Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I'm single because I was born that way.
