There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.