He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.