I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.