What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.