Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.