Women are made to be loved not understood.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.