A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.