I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.