When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.