Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.