I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.