The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.