A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.