When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Sex is an emotion in motion.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.