If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I'm single because I was born that way.