My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
No good deed goes unpunished.