My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.