Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!