Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?