I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.