There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

No good deed goes unpunished.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.