Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.