You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.