I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.