If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.