If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.