Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I'm single because I was born that way.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.