A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.