Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Men are as faithful as their options.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.