You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps