Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.