The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.