Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.