Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.