Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.