Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Men are as faithful as their options.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?