Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
No good deed goes unpunished.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.