When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion