Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.