I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.