Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!