I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.