I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.