I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.