If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.