I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?