The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.