Men are as faithful as their options.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.