I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
No good deed goes unpunished.