Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.