If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.