No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.