The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.