Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.