What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.