If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.