I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm single because I was born that way.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.