Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Sex is an emotion in motion.