To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.