A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.