I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.