If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps