If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.