I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity