Women are made to be loved not understood.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.