My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.