Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.