Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.