What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I will not join any club who will take me as a member