May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.