If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.