I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.