Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
No good deed goes unpunished.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Women are made to be loved not understood.