My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.