If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.