It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.