You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!