I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.