If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm single because I was born that way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.