It is better to be alone than in bad company.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.